Davis Allsop

Hey Chase,

Thanks for the opportunity to earn 5% cash back at Burger King! After $12 a month for the privilege of giving you my money (for free) so you can invest and profit from it, the $0.25 on a combo meal is much appreciated.

Love,

Davis

# of People in Van - What’s Going On

1 = Pedophile

2 = Kidnappers

3 = Band

4 = Family

5+ = Cult

To Whom It May Concern (Bruce Wayne, Batman, or Alfred. I don’t know who opens the mail up there.)

My name is Stan Perkins and I live in Brooklyn, or .4 miles from Gotham City. It’s actually a part of Gotham City, or a borough, but most tourists and casual visitors don’t know that. The reason for my letter is concern and anger. Let me start with concern.

While you’re busy vanquishing white collar criminals dressed like Times Square performers and meditating on the side of buildings, things are pretty rough over here. I’m pretty sure there’s a rapist in my neighborhood because I saw a sign posted near my stop for the 7 train. My Nana got mugged last Tuesday for a loaf of banana bread and she doesn’t even make good banana bread. My friend Mark Mansfield had his bike stolen by some of the 7th graders. I know that’s probably an item to take up with Vice Principal Gunderson, but crime is crime. I know you can see us over here, Batman. I know you know there are bridges and tunnels. I have no idea what the operating cost on that flying Batmobile thing is per sortie but for a $2.85 Metrocard you could be over here in like 12 minutes. I can literally see you from my front stoop. No Sarah Palin hogwash, I’ve seen you with my own eyes from my house. I think we made eye contact for a second and then you looked away quickly like you didn’t see me and just happened to be looking east for a different, non-Batman reason. I do the same thing to Jenny Thompson every day in math.

Now to my anger: what’s the deal with all these crazy villains coming to town? I mean seriously. If the Olympics are on TV, I know we’re about due for another crazy person to attack our fair city. It’s like clockwork. Are you the one drawing them here? I know the economy is tough and everyone needs job security, but this feels unrealistic. Remember when that Bane guy blew up the bridges that lead out of Gotham? I took the Verrazano with my family and we were at the shore an hour later. He didn’t notice us either. It just seems weird to me that not one of them ever wants to terrorize Cleveland once in a while. Or what about Kansas City? Either one of them. Also, what’s with the voice? If bats had a voice, it would be a high-pitched shriek to navigate the darkness; none of this breathy-Marilyn-Monroe-transvestite stuff.

I’m sorry. That was mean. As I wrote it I knew I should take it back.

I’m only saying that maybe you should pay attention to some of the other boroughs once in a while, or move to another city altogether - you NEVER hear about these kinds of problems in other cities. Never.

Thanks for literally nothing,

Stan

P.S. - Could you autograph and send me one of your inconceivably vain action figures? Please don’t take it out of the box.